dylan harris’s honest cv

I was supposed to have been the world’s first singing brontosausus, but this proved difficult because, at birth, I couldn’t sing, and I wasn’t a brontosausus. Since I couldn’t have the life I expected, a stunning starstruck century of singing incredible chanson and eating delicious treetops, I did what everyone does when plans go awry, I made do.

I was born with the ability to sing using brontosaurus vocal chords. This works less well with human vocal chords. Even so, it has given me a career: I am an animal remover. I sing, they run. So do quite a lot of people, actually. It’s not that I scare them, it’s more that I so torment their taste they have to escape.

I am employed by the East Grestin city authorities. The contract tells me I am happy in my job. I am. I enjoy driving pests out, particularly pigeons and tourists.

I accept freelance work. I am flexible, and, for sufficient lucre, will forget my delicate, refined and sophisticated morals. I’m proud of my role in a famous animal documentary. I sang to some lemmings, they jumped off a cliff. My main regret is the sound engineer followed them.

I am always willing to consider reasonable opportunities. Please contact me if you have something interesting.

With apologies to Lucas Pope.