angst cycle (iii) — [Ж] (ii)

so i’m calm
have sent an email
and apologies
and asked for no reply

i clearly react
very very badly
when i expect a reply

i know
i shall react
very very badly
if i see her
with a guy

this
to me
is an unacceptable reaction

therefore
i can’t see her
with a guy

indeed
i can only allow myself
to see her
if in some shocking way
she’s decided
despite all the history
to spend time with me
as mine

this won’t happen
thus i cannot see her
until i find
i can test
my reaction
and there isn’t one

were it not for
i would turn away
forever