angst cycle (iii) — [З]

i don’t know why i just can’t turn my back and move on
it’s deeply shameful
that i cannot control this
i know you don't want this
so i know i have to move on
but it’s proving immensely difficult
i’ve never had this as bad with anyone else
i don’t know what the fuck to do with it
i really don’t

most of the day was ok
i worked
i faced the dentist
but then this evening i’m crying
i can’t stand this
to be honest
i know it’ll go away after a while
but that’s a long while
and in the meantime i have to bear it
i apologise that i’m having to write things like this email
but i have the small benefit of being pretty confident that you won’t read it
i sicken myself
i really do

but i’m still functioning
somewhat
after irish dentists refused to go near me
despite
or probably because of
my medical card
the first french i saw promptly gave me a quote and started working
the reputation of the medical systems of the two countries was confirmed
pity i had to wait so long to get in their system
anyway
today things started
the dentist insisted i took an antibiotic
but
so french
prescribed one that works with wine

i’m taking no photos whatsoever
the thing about being depressed is you don’t look around
when you don’t look
you don’t see
and if i don’t see
i don’t see things to photo
result
no photos since soundeye
at least the poetry’s coming out
even if it’s going to need a long dry period for editing
around 300 so far
one or two are occasionally edited
most are pre–first drafts
like the ones you saw
i’m simply writing too much to be able to go back even once
and that’s always been how i’ve made them more interesting
the first go back.

my weekend is going to be … erm …
the cousins are talking an evening of trivial pursuit
oh how exciting
what joy
i shan’t pack the sleeping tablets

oh
absolutely fucking sod it
it’s 11pm
it’s friday
i’m getting the camera out and shooting something even if it’s crap
i need to move on

apologies for writing this
apologies for sending this
hope you’re doing ok

not sent