angst cycle (iii) — [И]

when i was a teenager i suffered from an intense shyness towards girls it still occasionally shows up in the silliest of situations my mother the stupid bitch made it much worse what i needed was encouragement to explore but instead she spent the time telling me that if i went near an attractive girl who happened to be working class who happened to like me she’d do all kinds of nasty things to me such as take me out of my public school and chuck me in a crap one i valued my education quite rightly had i been more emotionally intelligent i’d have called her bluff but i wasn’t this ignorant bigoted stupidity made my shyness worse i must add that if she was still alive and if i spoke to her about this she’d apologise profusely and regret the situation immensely which is why i never raised the subject with her in our later lives i’m not a cad i don’t like causing other people emotional pain

anyway the effect was that it took me most of college to pluck up courage to ask women out we’re talking towards the end of my postgrad days without exception i was rejected i soon realised the common factor in the rejection was me so took myself out of that game i still rarely ask women out i don’t like rejection having been so shy i already knew how to be happy being single

unfortunately generally after i’d left college i sometimes found myself the target of someone’s approach this didn’t happen too often but it happened now, it doesn't help that i don’t notice such things at first it takes a lot of effort to get my attention in this regard which is my flaw entirely but if the approach works and builds some emotion in me i respond and without exception my response is rejected why this is after i’ve been approached more than a few times this isn’t some random stranger one off eye–catch what the fuck were they doing approaching me if they didn’t want to spend time with me why build the emotion and force me to suffer it as pain did they hate me did i represent something they hated i still detest their cruelty i don’t have a clue why this happened the only thing i can think of if it wan’t simply being the wrong man in the wrong place is that for some reason i’ve been targeted by women who suffer from the female equivalent of misogyny after this had happened a few times i worked out the pattern and avoided women who made a play at me trouble is i let my guard down and got totally fucked up to the extent of insanity

now don’t get me wrong in my 30s i did have a few girlfriends these were basically companionship that extended into the bedroom there was never any real love there was never anything that really worked tis stopped in my late 40s when i left the UK

as i said i let my guard down and you played the same card on me i don’t have a clue why it can’t have been attraction or desire or stronger feelings because if it was you wouldn’t have rejected me when your situation finally allowed me to respond we had a good friendship going so i thought i was happy with that and you’ve pretty much wrecked it i do not understand why you didn’t end or sort out your relationship with x before you approached me you told me you loved him yet there you were doing things that could have hurt him badly that’s not love i guess you were fooling yourself why don’t you consider ethics they can be very useful it was deeply insulting you presumption that i was such a bastard i’d fuck up a stranger’s life x’s life without a thought why that presumption yes it was your business and that’s how it should have stayed you simply shouldn’t have made a play at me without splitting up from x first instead you've seriously fucked me up and i don’t understand why

look at me now i’ve totally fucked up i can’t even judge my own poetry yes i took time to respond properly but when i did you told me to fuck off why why make me want to be with you then refuse me it makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever why the fuck have you bolloxed me up so much why put me through all this pain what did I do that deserved such cruelty i don’t understand i don’t understand why you approached me you filled me with all this fucking emotion and then when i respond you tell me to fuck off and leave me full of emotion that can only come out as pain is it inverse misogyny is it something about me in particular you so detest you force me through this i really do not understand